Roses are red, violets are blue, here are some alternative lockdown Valentine’s Day ideas for you

*Warning, this piece contains sexual content*

If you told me this time last year that I would be spending Valentine’s Day in lockdown I’d have assumed that I’d been recruited into the BDSM community.

Valentine’s Day in lockdown doesn’t need to be miserable when there are plenty of alternatives to a romantic dinner at a restaurant on offer.

Are you missing the prospect of an awkward Nando’s Tinder date with a man whose profile says he went to the school of hard knocks?

Maybe one way to quell your thirst for face-to-face dating is with a blind date.

Riverside Radio is hosting ‘The Blindest Date’ podcast on Tuesday at 8pm, with simulated dates including scenes set at parks or stuck in an elevator.

It features regular guests comedian John Tothill and dating expert Ally Pugh.

“ARE YOU THE HANDFORTH PARISH COUNCIL?”: Different weekly chat up lines with John Tothill

Each week female panellists are introduced to male admirers who can later ask them on a date.

None of the daters will see what each other looks like so the sparks that fly will be based on pure personality chemistry.

SEXY SALARIES ONLY: A dater making her requirements clear

To take part as a dater click here.

Fashion retailer Miss Luna’s recent study revealed that ‘Buy yourself flowers’ Google searches increased by 75% from 2019 to 2020.

Flowers aren’t exactly the most unique idea for a self-gift that I can think of, and after the year we’ve had we deserve something a bit more special.

Here’s where Dick on a stick comes in.

Dick on a stick is a novelty gift for all the penis lovers out there with a sweet tooth.

They’re delivered to your door and cum with cream that drizzles over the waffle wangs before you bite into them and taste one of the many flavoured fillings that ooze onto your tongue.

Stella Ralfini is running a Neo Tantra Zoom workshop, suitable for established partners, sexy singles and those of you looking to throw away your inhibitions and become a better lover.

Ralfini says: “The only way forward is Neo Tantra, as the world will soon understand.”

If all of the above is too far out of your comfort zone, there’s no shame in ordering a takeaway and having a quiet night in.

You can check out other offers from local companies this Valentine’s Day here.

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