Tech Talk: Remove U


One SWL reporter creates his own hyper-successful app.


By Nathan Blades

Nick D’Aloisio is both a pretty cool guy and entirely frustrating.

On one hand, I entirely support independent developers. With app stores on mobile phones and game download services like Steam, Average Joes being able to make and share creative endeavours is a glimpse into a marginally less corporate future.

On another, he’s a 17-year-old kid who’s more financially successful than me. What a little punk.

The actual app itself, Summly, is honestly pretty useful. With Google’s news feed aggregator dying a death, my main method of pumping raw information directly into my veins will be cut off in a few months, leaving me with a hole in my life that Summly would fill – if I had an iPhone.

That someone so young made it big isn’t surprising. Newspapers were stunned to see a teenager making so much money, but we forget that we’re all old, and already outstripped by the next generation. I say this as a 22-year-old.

Schools are teaching programming a lot more these days, and the software for making your own programs is more accessible than it’s ever been. That’s especially true for games production – there have been some pretty good books written about it.

Hell, I’m sure I could make my own hyper-successful app – it’s not like I lack ideas. I’m sure there’s a hole in the market for misanthropic technology users like me.

Are you having problems with people in your life? Family? Co-Workers? Frenemies? Don’t you just sometimes wish that you could make annoying people disappear?

Well, you need the latest product from BladesTech; Remove U. Available for only £9.99!

Remove U is the killer app for your smartphone, computer, GPS and Google Glass headset that offers a clean and efficient solution for clearing up your social problems.

Remove U works with all social software, from Facebook to World of Warcraft to the dregs of society who still use Bebo. When installed, it will linger unobtrusively in the background of your computer systems waiting for activation.

Got into an argument with someone? Say or type the magic words “Why don’t you just vanish!” and Remove U kicks into gear.

Remove U doesn’t just block your target; it’s closely engineered to remove all sights and references to your now ex-acquaintance.

Photographs with the target tagged will be automatically photoshopped to remove them from the picture – and top of the range facial recognition software will insure you won’t accidentally see them in photos elsewhere, either. There’s a chance it might accidentally remove faces of unrelated people, but if they’re as hideous as That Guy You Don’t Like, it won’t be a big deal.

Remove U doesn’t just stop at aesthetic removal, the target of your ire will be professionally invisible to you too! Looking through LinkedIn and public address books, Remove U can find and block addresses, phone numbers and public domain documents that reference the target. Trying to access web pages that are blocked in this manner will redirect you to our website of cute kittens in sweaters. Adorable!

Those who need to drive past the target’s home on the way to work will have their GPS map subtly altered so the building is replaced with a relaxing rural scene of your choosing An open field, a serene lake or unspoilt woodland are all at your fingertips.

Google Glass users will also have access to the ‘Passive-Aggressive Camouflage’ feature! By projecting subtle patterns of light into your eye, it will blur the image of anyone the Glasses pick up as looking like the target. They’re a real faceless nobody now!

Customers who want additional functionality can purchase downloadable content from our online store. For a nominal fee you can have access to the Deluxe Remove U Pack, that not only gives you 3 gift codes for your friends, it will also remove your internet presence from the people that you block!

Notes and Disclaimers:

Cancellations to the Remove U service can only be processed by calling our premium-rate customer service number in Siberia, and paying the cancellation fee. The ability to restore Removed targets is available at £30 per restoration. Passive-Aggressive Camouflage may cause blindness in 5% of users. We are not responsible for any lasting social, physical or mental injury Remove U may cause. You probably deserve it, anyway.

Photo courtesy of By LeWEB12, with thanks.

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