“I was expecting to have this instant bond with my daughter.
“I didn’t have it.”
This is Matthew Lewis-Carter, co-founder of the Secret Life of Dads podcast, describing one of the challenges he faced during the first year of parenthood.
He continued: “I signed up to marathons, triathalons, everything I could just to escape because I felt like I just couldn’t provide value.”
Lawrence Price, his co-founder, cited similar challenges.
Feeling like he also didn’t know how to add ‘value’ at home, he decided to throw himself into his work.
But Price pushed himself so hard, that it led to him having an anxiety attack for the first time in his life.
They are not alone.
A recent survey found that nearly half of all dads would describe their mental health as either ‘not great’ or ‘very poor’, and many still find it difficult to seek support.
Sleepless nights, round the clock feeding times, and constant exhaustion often take their toll.
For Lewis-Carter and Price, starting their Secret Life of Dads podcast was an opportunity to get a better understanding of what happens during fatherhood.
The two friends wanted to create a space to ask questions, and have spent the last few years speaking to experts about fatherhood and masculinity.
But recently, they decided they wanted to take the connections they’d been making on the podcast into the ‘physical space.’
Price said: “We had this yearning to actually be in the room with the community that we’d been building through the Secret Life of Dads…”
And so, Pints & Ponytails was born.
Usually hosted in a pub, the events were created to help dads to come together and learn how to style their daughters’ hair with a mannequin.
They have been popular.
So popular, in fact, that their videos of the Pints & Ponytails events have collected millions of views across their social media platforms.
They even managed to get the attention of Andrew Tate, the controversial social media personality and ‘self proclaimed misogynist’.
Lewis-Carter described it as: “The best PR.
“We would have paid for that, to be honest.”
But the pair are not the first to have decided to start hosting in-person groups for dads.
There seems to be a growing number of them cropping up across the Capital.
In SW London alone there has been a significant rise, with The Everyday Dad Club in Tooting Common created in March, and The Walking Dad Club in Battersea Park, founded in early May.
Aside from privately-run clubs, charities are also starting to create more spaces for dads to come together in London.
The PANDAS Foundation, a charity that seeks to support families affected by perinatal mental illness, is one example.
Selina Wilson, a Community Engagement Manager at PANDAS, runs all the in-person support groups across the UK.
Her aim is to help create spaces for parents to “talk openly without judgement.”
She said: “I think online support absolutely has its place, especially for accessibility, but there is something powerful about being physically in a room with other parents, and realising you’re not the only one that’s feeling this way.”
Wilson says she has seen an increased desire for spaces that are exclusively for dads.
She said: “I think modern fatherhood is changing, so there’s been a real cultural shift.
“More fathers want to be emotionally involved and present, but many still don’t feel they have the spaces where they can talk honestly about how hard parenthood is for them.”
There are currently two PANDAS groups for dads set up in London.
The first, in Wimbledon, has an in-person ‘stay and play’ event that usually runs on the second Sunday of each month.
The other support group, in Kennington, meets at Bee Urban.
At the Dads and Bees events, dads have the opportunity to chat while learning about urban beekeeping.
Like the concept behind Pints & Ponytails, Wilson has also found a shared activity can help dads to connect.
Home-Start UK, a charity that has been supporting families for over 50 years, also utilises activities to bring dads together.
Their specialised programme, Dad Matters, was first started in Manchester, and has now arrived in London to help support local dads for ‘the first 1001 days of parenthood.’
Their new project in Hillingdon is now into its second year, and they are planning to offer activities like ping pong and boxing to those that would like to join in-person in the coming months.
Marcos Ravelo, a Coordinator for Dad Matters, helps to run the new Hillingdon project alongside Clare Nazerali, a Director for Home-Start Hillingdon.
As the charity also provides support through outreach and local services signposting, Ravelo spent much of his first year in the project getting out to local hospitals to make connections with local dads.
He wanted to start conversations with those that need support, and has so far hosted one successful in-person meeting.
Ravelo said: “We’re building that connection with them, and helping them to understand that the parent journey doesn’t have to be a lonely one, an isolated one, or a confusing one.”
Like Wilson from PANDAS, Ravelo is quick to add that he still believes online support is important, and different people can need different types of support.
Ravelo said “I had one dad I was trying to give some support, and I found that he just preferred being online to talk and share.
“He was more open online than he was in person.”
Regardless of the type of support, Nazareli says she also believes that the community plays an important role in parenting too.
She said: “It’s a collective.
“And not just a collective for the dads, but a collective for the community, and how as a community you can support one another.”
It is clear that there is no sign of these clubs for dads slowing any time soon.
The Pints & Ponytails duo will soon be hosting a Periods & Ponytails workshop to help dads become more confident speaking to their daughters, and both Home-Start and the PANDAS Foundation are continuing to expand their operations for dads not just in London, but also across the UK.
As Price continued to reflect on his experience with the Pints & Ponytails events, he noted just how meaningful the in-person events can be for dads.
He said: “The dads are showing up in this kind of quiet revolution offline, making a statement about what they stand for, and therefore what they stand against.
“But I think just on a very deep, personal level, the dads want to connect with other dads who understand their experience.”
Featured image credit: Matthew Lewis-Carter and Lawrence Price.
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