As tens of thousands of glum English faces sat in Perth’s Optus Stadium on Saturday evening, desperately trying to understand the chaos they had just witnessed, there was one thing they all agreed on: It was a long way to come for two days of cricket.
While cheerful locals filtered out and the buzz of the first Ashes Test died down, many Brits remained in their seats, staring into space searching aimlessly for the answers the Bazballers’ batting had failed to find.
Where did it all go so wrong? From a position of such strength at around 1pm – effectively 105-1 – just over four hours later they had lost by eight wickets, and any sense of English optimism had vanished. After all, it’s the hope that kills.
Questions mounted. Why did England’s batters continue to drive on the up outside off stump? Could they not see the Australians’ plan was to lure them into that shot, riddled with danger given the pace and bounce of the pitch? Is there any way back, or is another emphatic, humbling series defeat down under now inevitable?
And, more importantly, what the hell should we do for the rest of the week? Do we even get a refund?
It was a stark contrast to the excitement and euphoria felt only a couple of days earlier.
Matagarup Bridge did some heavy lifting as both sets of fans descended on it on a baking-hot first morning, crossing the Swan River to approach the stunning 60,000-seater multi-purpose arena built in 2018 to replace the ageing Western Australian Cricket Association ground (the WACA), still visible just the other side of the bridge.
They were greeted with the family funzone making up part of West Fest, a week-long cricket festival designed to grow the sport in Perth and diversify its audience.
Entertainment included fan activation games, a DJ positioned in a phone box, and even two giants yielding a bat and a ball.
Other events included nearby Burswood Park’s WA Day, which ran over the weekend, and a Women’s Big Bash League game at the WACA on Saturday evening between Perth Scorchers and Adelaide Strikers.
Perhaps of greater interest to the travelling support was the adjacent pub, The Camfield – a spot many used to drown their sorrows following Saturday’s sorry conclusion.
Entry into the ground was relatively straightforward, although an issue regarding the entry of WACA members caused some delays on day two, and there was a large area outside the confines of the stadium itself offering a variety of food options, including beef burgers and hot jam doughnuts.
A brief wander around the stadium took you to the nets and gave a unique insight into the wicket for the game, with the crater where the drop-in pitch had been harvested from still visible to all.
Cheers went up in Section 102, the centre of the England fanzone, as Ben Stokes won the toss and chose to bat, and the pre-game displays began.
There was an aboriginal performance, an Ashes hype video, the customary renditions of the anthems and even a guitar performance from a platform on the stadium’s 42-metre roof.
The Barmy Army launched into their first rendition of Jerusalem, the start of a busy few weeks for trumpeter Simon Finch, greeted by a round of applause and a cheer.
That was quickly drowned out by the roar of the Australian crowd and the early wicket of Zak Crawley.
The stadium was designed so spectators are never more than 40m away from a toilet or a refreshments counter, and options ranged from lamb curry and samosas to sausage rolls and enormous loaded Yorkshire puddings.
Reaching the Sunday roast staple, though, was a challenge, with the packed concourses during lunch and tea breaks limiting movement as spectators figured they were likely to miss a whole heap of action should they leave their seat while the game was ongoing.
Wickets continued to tumble and control of the match swung from side to side, but the Barmy Army’s energy was unflappable.
Their Shake it up, Woody song to the tune of Twist and Shout in tribute to fast bowler Mark Wood was a particular favourite, as well as the classic We Are the Army, with one rendition on the second morning threatening to never end.
Australian captain Steve Smith was given a tough time, with chants of We Saw You Cry on the Telly, and a banner picturing his teary apology after the sandpaper scandal in 2018 unfurled.
Former Australia quick-bowler Mitchell Johnson was a brave visitor to the stands, too.
Even as Travis Head blitzed his way to a 69-ball century and condemned England to defeat, the travelling support continued to source their own entertainment, constructing beer snakes and hurling cardboard cup holders into the air.
One such offender was tracked down by a security guard but made a fair fist of evading him, ducking and diving through fellow supporters until he was eventually captured.
If only England’s cricketers had shown similar resourcefulness with the bat in hand.
Featured image credit: Callum Humphrey
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